JAN 3, 2019

To force a new is to be powerful.

To live without him is to be alone.

Is to be free.

Is to be lonely. Sometimes.

There are no wide stretch lips here.

No pearl teeth out.

The pit in my stomach has started to fill

With cheese and slight conversation.

Fill with two new year’s eve kisses from two best friends.

Fill with ridding myself of guilt,

And fear,

And never describing myself as selfish again.

The pit has been touched.

Through platonic kisses and loving hugs.

But this pit is still empty with purpose.

With not knowing how to talk to my parents.

And sister.

And sister’s friends.

This pit in me is still empty.

Still lost.

Yesterday my stomach felt a hard laugh.

From two friends on my sofa

They made me smile like I did in August.

I am still missing motivation.

In my mind and body.

And interaction.

And I am still glued down.

Only sometimes moving.

Constantly thinking.

My head has gotten heavy. From screens.

And looking under.

But tomorrow I will fill my day with water.

And music.

And sun.

Hopefully the sun.

I will not watch moving pictures to escape this

Place in my head and stomach.

I will procrastinate productively.

To make a name for myself.

To draw.

And look.

And sing.

To write poems.

And read.

To be proud.

And alone.

A winter day with endless time. Easy sleep.

And thoughts of freedom.

I am free.

Free at last.

Lost at last.